A Mom or a Mother, Witch is mine?

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I miss my mom yet my mother is still alive.

You ask how can one miss their mom when their

mother is still alive, simple, yet so complicated.

My mother is very possessive and jealous, which

lead us to part ways 14 years ago. Yes its been

14 years since I last seen or heard from her,

and it hurts. I don't recommend such a relationship.

And after what she done to cause

our parting, disintegrated any and all trust

I had in her, reuniting with her wouldn't be worth

the price my family or I would have to wager for

such a task. And still yet a piece of me inside

longs for her. How does one deal with such pain

and heartache, I hate her yet I still love her

dearly. Each day we both get older but she doesn't

get any wiser. I feel we both will go to our grave

hating one another. The pain grows within me with

each passing sun. And that's only the tip of the

iceberg, I'm the oldest of 7 boys 5 brothers

from same mother and 3 different fathers, and 1

brother with the same father who is deceased and

a different mother a total of 6 brothers who are

caught up in her possessive and jealous ways and

whom I have also went 14 years without seeing or

hearing from. I'm a grown man of 50 years old

filled with so much pain and sorrow I often wonder

which way to turn.....